Oh To Be Bold And Valiant!

Quintus Horatius Flaccus

Perhaps Lee Iacocca said it best, "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive."  Of course he was probably just paraphrasing the great Roman philosopher poet, Horace.  So here I sit, trying desperately to pour myself into something positive. 

It seems that whenever I feel repugnance for the things that I've said or done, I try to crawl away into someone else's thoughts.  I read a book or watch tv; whatever I can in order to ignore the existence of the parts of me that I abhor but cannot deny exist.  I suppose that there is simply less cognitive dissonance when I pretend that the asshole in me doesn't exist as opposed to trying to apologize for being rude to the ones I love.  

In my head I blame my actions on stress and the pressures placed upon my by the rest of the world.  Surely, no one could argue that these are stressful times.  But stress is not what happens to us; it is merely our response to what happens.  The "stress" I feel is my blinded response to the inconsequential.  In my heart I know that no matter how desperate things may seem at present, that this too shall pass.  What truly matters are the feelings that I sometimes so flagrantly hurt.

It is all too easy to blame the "stress" for my actions.  The world too often makes excuses for us and in doing so facilitates our weaknesses.  One can easily sympathize with those who can't handle the stress.  We place ourselves in the shoes of men who, in "stressful" situations, do unspeakable things and condone their actions because we believe that no man can be expected to handle such circumstances with grace and magnanimity.  But stress is nothing more than an excuse for weakness.  It is an excuse we make in order to not appear weak or to have failed.  But if weakness and failure are truly such abominable things, then they become greater abominations when we make excuses for them. 

So it was, that in a moment of "stress" that I said things I now regret, and rather than own up to my failings I chose instead to ignore them.  I tried to distract myself from myself by reading.  I sought solace in Emily Dickinson.  But instead of consolation I found reflection.  Instead of being excused I was reprimanded. 

                            1640
Take all away from me, but leave me Ecstasy,

And I am richer then than all my Fellow Men -
Ill it becometh me to dwell so wealthily

When at my very Door are those possessing more,
In abject poverty -

 - E. Dickinson

I realized that the things that I CHOOSE to be stressed out about do not matter.  The material things that I fight so hard to maintain are not the source of my wealth.  From this day forth, in such times of stress, I shall strive to be bold and valiant.  I will endeavor to plow my anger and energy into something positive.